The Person You’re Asking For Help, Needs Help Too.

I hate social media. If I had my way, I would disappear, not post anything, and just live peacefully without the urge to share stories, post pictures, and get that usual buffet of dopamine we all get from the sound of notifications.

There, I said it. You don’t know the struggle that comes with me posting a picture. I’ll scrutinise, I’ll search for errors, and I will see my face and argue if I should mute the sound. ‘Do they need to see this?’ I’ll ask myself. After going back and forth, I let it go and post it, damning the consequences.

Guess what happens? Views, likes, assumptions, and worse, billing.

“See, as you just fresh,” “This government no reach your side.” “After you go say you no get money.” “Find me small thing na, big man.”

That’s for those who are brave enough to be so direct. For the others, those who are relatively more silent, a seed is planted. A seed of perception that grows into a tree of conclusions.

Although I hate to post, sometimes, I just want to share a moment with the world, preserve a memory, post a picture for others to see, or have a little fun. I don’t want you to ‘whine’ me, or ‘bill’ me. 

I don’t have my shit figured out. Sometimes, I have been the one ‘billing.’ I have asked for help, countless times, but not everyone realises: the person you’re asking for help needs help too.

It’s true!

For most of my life, I have been an individualistic person. I battle with a fear of rejection, anxiety, and have grown numb from disappointments. This is enough to give a pessimistic look to life, but ‘it is what it is’ and I soldier on, dying slowly without asking for help.

The worst part is that when I eventually do, I feel so indebted to those who helped me.

You can say I am not used to being helped. I have started friendships that weren’t meant to be, relationships that should have remained acquaintances, and made mistakes that a simple boundary could have prevented.

If you’ve been helped a lot, you know, ‘favour’ surrounds you like a shield; you won’t know that some people struggle with seeing help as just help, but I had to learn the difference. 

You think that’s bad? Wait till I tell you about the other set of people. Those who don’t even care what you are going through, they just need help, and if you can’t help, after they’ve seen you ‘flexing’ online, you’re a bad person.

For some, it’s a simple calculation: 99 good, 1 bad, equals 100 fuckups.

First off, nobody is coming to save you. Anything you receive as a form of kindness is a sign of sacrifice. Receive it with thanks, but never take it for granted.

Sometimes, givers no dey get, and if receiver dey too used to receiving, how e wan take help giver back? Sadly, some people don’t even think they should help you back.

We often put people we admire on pedestals. We see them as pillars of strength, immune to the chaos and uncertainty we feel. We forget that everyone, no matter how put-together they seem, is fighting their own battles.

They’re juggling their anxieties, facing their setbacks, and trying to figure things out just like the rest of us.

This isn’t to say you shouldn’t ask for help. Quite the opposite. It’s a reminder to approach these moments with a little more empathy and a lot more grace.

The Next Time You Need Help, Remember This:

If you find yourself in a situation where you need help and someone says no, tells you they don’t have, or even silently moves away and doesn’t respond to your ‘S.O.S’ call, consider a few things:

Acknowledge their humanity:

Your friend isn’t a superhero; they’re a human being with their vulnerabilities. They might help, and they might not. Don’t hold it against them.

Even if they don’t want to help, don’t be so petty that you don’t forgive. Rather, pray to be bigger and blessed so you have enough to help people and show a better example.

Offer to reciprocate:

If they’ve helped you, even in a small way, make sure you’re there for them in return. I get that life happens, but don’t always be the one it is happening to. Do better, be better. Strive for it.

You can’t expect to be helped all the time; it gets a little bit overbearing. Even family gets tired. Now, imagine friends.

Recognise the difference between help and emotional labour:

It’s great to lean on friends, but be mindful of how much you’re asking them to carry. How much is too much? Ask yourself that. If you can’t answer that, maybe you’re a little bit entitled.

Do you agree with this? I’d love to hear about it in the comments.